Music

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears.

- Author Unknown

Weaving

My life is but a weaving
Between the Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors-
He worketh steadily.

Oftimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

- Grant Colfax Tullar

Footprints

How very softly you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently you stayed,
but what an imprint your footsteps
have left upon my heart.

- Dorothy Ferguson

The Sound of Silence

I have mentioned before that I will never forget the preparation I underwent for Jack’s c-section. To have labored to almost an eight, only to be told that we couldn’t wait even one second longer before he arrived, was heartbreaking and terrifying.

I was placed on a hard, cold, table and then my arms were stretched out wide and strapped down. I remember likening my position unto being hung on a cross. Then, in my mind, I thought: I am being sacrificed for my child. The tears flowed freely, but I was glad to do it.

I laid there, waiting and waiting and then waiting some more. I could see nothing, and I could feel nothing; and so I relied only my sense of sound. I was so intent on listening, that my head actually began to hurt. I never heard anything. Jack never made a sound.

To this day, the sound of Jack’s silence has persistently haunted me. It is not something that I can easily forget. It finds me in a lonely car, in the late night hours, and even in a crowded grocery aisle. It has been one year since that eventful yet quiet morning, and still the silence remains. I have spent much of this past year trying to tune out the silence. I have read books, listened to music, watched television, but nothing can fill the emptiness. I miss Jack’s cry. I will miss it my entire life.

We were fortunate enough to have the birth of Megan recorded. I have heard her first cry over and over and over again. I have it memorized. In her brand new cry, is the same little voice and personality that my Megan has today: almost three and a half years later.

I have recently (today) come to appreciate that the same could be said of Jack. He was quiet and peaceful at birth, and I have found that the times when I feel closest to Jack, are likewise: quiet and peaceful. I yearn often to feel my Jack: to feel his presence around me. But I have spent so much time trying to drown out his silence, that I have been missing many opportunities to not only feel his spirit, but also the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost.

Today Jack’s birthday present to me was the reminder that I need to spend more time in quiet and peaceful mediation. It is in those times when the Lord’s spirit can touch us and teach us. I hope that Jack will also take advantage of the quiet in my life and perhaps…come visit me…

Birth Day Celebration

Adam and I kicked off Baby Jack’s birth day celebration by heading to the temple. We participated in several sealings, two of which were particularly special. My great grandparents, Alva and Louisa Rich, lost two infant children: a little boy, and a little girl. Adam and I were able to perform the sealing ordinances for these children to their parents. Because I know Jack is sealed to me forever, it was especially wonderful to play a role in sealing my grandparents to the infants they lost.

Adam and I heading to the Temple

Tonight, we gathered at the cemetery with the majority of our Vegas family members. Jack got his very own birthday cake, and his sister blew out his candle for him.

Each family member released a balloon in honor of Jack. We convinced the children that we needed to send the balloons to heaven so Jack could play with them. Not one child had a hard time letting go of their balloons.

After the balloon release, we returned home for dinner and cake. The first meal I can remember eating after Jack was born was lasagna at the Ronald McDonald House…so that’s what we had for Jack’s birthday dinner. Throw in some carrot cake and vanilla bean ice cream…and the party was complete.

I think Jack would have approved of his birthday celebrations. His daddy and I worked long and hard to make the day perfect, and my body is aching from head to toe with exhaustion. But I love serving and celebrating my little Jack. The ache of exhaustion I feel today is a good kind of ache. It helps ease the pain that constantly ebbs from my heart.

Happy Birthday, Baby Jack. We love you and miss you. I will never forget the day you were born.