The last of the monthly “death anniversaries” is upon us.

I think the first monthly anniversary of Jack’s death was one of the hardest I experienced. We had only been thrown back into the swing of things for a few weeks, and we were trying our hardest to pick up the pieces of our life, and put them back together in some semblance of something “normal”. It wasn’t working out too well, and it was depressing. One thing that was also “weighing” me down was the fact that I was gaining weight. I gained over fifty pounds during my pregnancy with Jack, and I was relieved when about twenty-five of those pounds melted off immediately. After Jack passed on, however, I didn’t have much strength to fight the weight loss battle, and I was “losing”: big time. Emotionally and physically…I was a mess.

On the night of January 29th, I decided that I needed help. I went online and joined Weight Watchers without a second thought.

February arrived, and it too was difficult. But at the end of the month, I had lost ten pounds! The end of each month was met with Jack’s death anniversary, but so also the anniversary of my joining Weight Watchers. The program was a great success for me, and was a source of happiness and light. By the time Jack’s nine month death anniversary rolled around, I had lost forty-five pounds; and that’s not including the twenty-five I lost between his birth and death.

That’s a total of 70 POUNDS. In ten months.

I think that losing the weight really helped to hold me together at the end of each month. I couldn’t help but be proud and pleased with myself. I don’t know how I would have survived each death anniversary if I didn’t have some little success to go along with all the negative feelings and emotions I had to deal with. I often prayed for strength and guidance to help me stick to my diet and exercise plan. I know that my prayers were answered.

Maybe the reason why I struggled so hard with weight gain when I was pregnant with Jack was because Heavenly Father knew that I would need something to keep me going after he passed, literally. I threw myself into losing weight and exercising, and it has played a big part in the healing process.

If it was my choice, I would rather have Jack and be overweight, then be perfectly toned and fit without him. But it wasn’t my choice. Jack did teach me, however, how important our physical bodies are and how blessed we are to have strong and healthy bodies bestowed upon us. I wanted to show Jack that I learned that lesson and that I was grateful for my body. I think he would be proud of me.

Maybe he even went running with me sometimes and helped push me the last little bit.

I’d sure like to think so.

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears.

- Author Unknown

My life is but a weaving
Between the Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors-
He worketh steadily.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

- Grant Colfax Tullar

How very softly you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently you stayed,
but what an imprint your footsteps
have left upon my heart.

- Dorothy Ferguson

I have mentioned before that I will never forget the preparation I underwent for Jack’s c-section. To have labored to almost an eight, only to be told that we couldn’t wait even one second longer before he arrived, was heartbreaking and terrifying.

I was placed on a hard, cold, table and then my arms were stretched out wide and strapped down. I remember likening my position unto being hung on a cross. Then, in my mind, I thought: I am being sacrificed for my child. The tears flowed freely, but I was glad to do it.

I laid there, waiting and waiting and then waiting some more. I could see nothing, and I could feel nothing; and so I relied only my sense of sound. I was so intent on listening, that my head actually began to hurt. I never heard anything. Jack never made a sound.

To this day, the sound of Jack’s silence has persistently haunted me. It is not something that I can easily forget. It finds me in a lonely car, in the late night hours, and even in a crowded grocery aisle. It has been one year since that eventful yet quiet morning, and still the silence remains. I have spent much of this past year trying to tune out the silence. I have read books, listened to music, watched television, but nothing can fill the emptiness. I miss Jack’s cry. I will miss it my entire life.

We were fortunate enough to have the birth of Megan recorded. I have heard her first cry over and over and over again. I have it memorized. In her brand new cry, is the same little voice and personality that my Megan has today: almost three and a half years later.

I have recently (today) come to appreciate that the same could be said of Jack. He was quiet and peaceful at birth, and I have found that the times when I feel closest to Jack, are likewise: quiet and peaceful. I yearn often to feel my Jack: to feel his presence around me. But I have spent so much time trying to drown out his silence, that I have been missing many opportunities to not only feel his spirit, but also the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost.

Today Jack’s birthday present to me was the reminder that I need to spend more time in quiet and peaceful mediation. It is in those times when the Lord’s spirit can touch us and teach us. I hope that Jack will also take advantage of the quiet in my life and perhaps…come visit me…