We received Jack’s autopsy last week. I wasn’t planning on putting all the details on my blog, but I decided that it would be appropriate to share a little bit.
Based on the report, it seemed as though several of the things that they thought were “wrong” with Jack, were either normal or much less severe than they had estimated. He was actually described as a “well developed and well nourished” child, with a few little abnormalities. It was decided that he had a full corpus callosum, but that it was, in fact, much thinner than it should have been. We assume that this might have presented some challenges in regards to Jack’s cognitive function, but there are persons who have a hypoplastic corpus callosums, like Jack did, who lead normal lives and function just fine. I think it is 99% safe to say that Jack did not have a chromosomal disorder.
The cause of death was declared as pulmonary hypertension. Included in the report was a long list of possible reasons why a child has pulmonary hypertension, but NONE of them applied to Jack. His “reason” for having pulmonary hypertension was declared as “idiopathic” meaning they were unable to determine a cause.
So bottom line: aside from a few very little things which indicated that Jack may have had some challenges, Jack’s body was very healthy and very “normal”. They don’t know why the vessels in his lungs were never able to open up so his blood could get oxygenated, but it wasn’t related to anything about his development. There is a BIG arrow pointing to the umbilical cord being at fault as it was so tight around his neck at birth. Perhaps he just couldn’t take the breaths necessary to open up those vessels. There’s no way of knowing for sure if this is why he was so sick, but it is the best possibility.
But the REAL bottom line is this: it doesn’t matter how he died, or what caused it. The only reason that Adam and I even choose to do an autopsy was to see if there was any indicator that he had a genetic disorder that we were carriers of (and we truthfully still don’t know the answer to that, but we sincerely feel as though it is not the case.) But whatever the case may be, Jack died because it was part of the Lord’s plan for him and for our family. There’s no “what if the cord hadn’t been around his neck” or “what if they had caught it sooner” or “what if this” or “what if that”. I mean obviously there are consequences to the decisions that we make as free agents, and we most definitely can’t say that it doesn’t matter what we do or don’t do while passing through this mortal existence because “God will do whatever He wants anyway”. Our role here is to show our Heavenly Father that we will make the right decisions and live righteous lives: regardless of what trials and sorrows are part of His plan for us. We have to continue to have the faith that if we endure well whatever we go through on this Earth, that we will be blessed with ultimate happiness: which is exactly what our Heavenly Father wants for us. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He wants us to be happy. AND our every happiness is contingent on the choices we make as we deal with whatever He may toss our way in this lifetime.
I’m not saying we’re there yet. Adam and I have our struggles with maintaining faith and holding onto hope. But I know God love us. And I know that by adhering to the covenants that we have made with our Him, I will hold my little boy again. And he will be living and breathing and warm to the touch; and will be even more beautiful than he was in this life. Such a knowledge fills me with incomprehensible joy. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: I can’t wait!