Even though it has been almost three months since Jack passed away, I still find that there are little situations or experiences that make it feel “real” (meaning, a feeling of “oh yeah, it really DID happen”). Maybe it’s just because many days the focus isn’t on the fact that he died, but instead that he is not with us. Kind of hard to explain, but here’s an example:
Today Adam and I went to the market to find some flowers to take to Jack (we are currently in Las Vegas for Spring Break). While looking through the choices, it hit me pretty hard that we were buying flowers to place on our son’s grave (which was a first for us). Right there in Smith’s I broke down as the reality of something that I have been living with for months hit me…again. I wonder how long it takes for it to be done “hitting” me. Perhaps with each new experience crossed off the list, it will happen less and less.
Jack would have been four months old today. We have visited him several times since we have been here, but it was especially nice to be able to visit him on an anniversary date. His headstone looks great, and there is a sweet peace about his little area of the cemetery. There is a tree nearby with some little things hanging from the branches from other families for their children, and Adam and I are hoping to find something special to hang there for Jack.
I still think Megan doesn’t understand much about Jack. I wouldn’t be surprised if she imagined he was just still in the hospital and that we could go see him at any moment. I am hoping that her seeing the marker and reading his name might have instilled some kind of understanding in her, but we can’t be sure. One thing’s for certain, she would have been a great big sister to Jack and she loves him so much.
It has been almost three months since he passed and it’s still very difficult. Thanks to all for your continued love and support.