Still Sinking In

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Even though it has been almost three months since Jack passed away, I still find that there are little situations or experiences that make it feel “real” (meaning, a feeling of “oh yeah, it really DID happen”). Maybe it’s just because many days the focus isn’t on the fact that he died, but instead that he is not with us. Kind of hard to explain, but here’s an example:

Mama visits Jack
Today Adam and I went to the market to find some flowers to take to Jack (we are currently in Las Vegas for Spring Break). While looking through the choices, it hit me pretty hard that we were buying flowers to place on our son’s grave (which was a first for us). Right there in Smith’s I broke down as the reality of something that I have been living with for months hit me…again. I wonder how long it takes for it to be done “hitting” me. Perhaps with each new experience crossed off the list, it will happen less and less.

Daddy visits JackJack would have been four months old today. We have visited him several times since we have been here, but it was especially nice to be able to visit him on an anniversary date. His headstone looks great, and there is a sweet peace about his little area of the cemetery. There is a tree nearby with some little things hanging from the branches from other families for their children, and Adam and I are hoping to find something special to hang there for Jack.

Megan visits JackI still think Megan doesn’t understand much about Jack. I wouldn’t be surprised if she imagined he was just still in the hospital and that we could go see him at any moment. I am hoping that her seeing the marker and reading his name might have instilled some kind of understanding in her, but we can’t be sure. One thing’s for certain, she would have been a great big sister to Jack and she loves him so much.

It has been almost three months since he passed and it’s still very difficult. Thanks to all for your continued love and support.

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11 responses »

  1. Oh Elizabeth. My heart still aches for you and your sweet family. Know that Jack is not forgotten, nor are you and Megan and Adam. We think about you guys often. I hope your spring break vacation finishes off fantastic and know how much we’ve come to love you guys!

  2. I don’t know what to say, but I’m sending my love for you guys. I think of your little family and of Jack often.

  3. I don’t know what to say either. I can’t begin to imagine the feelings you have everyday, especially today. We are always thinking of and praying for your family.

  4. Our prayers are always with you….May the Lord continue to watch over your sweet family. We love you guys!

  5. Elizabeth-
    My heart breaks and aches for you. I want to give you a big hug right now. I can’t imagine the adjusting your little family will go through. My prayers are with you and love you!
    LYssa

  6. Elizabeth, I am glad you got to go back to visit Jack over Spring Break. It probably feels nice to be able to finally see his stone. I wish there was something I could do or say to help the way you must be feeling. We love you – and still keep you and your family in our prayers.And your right about Megan being a fantastic older sister. She is so sweet!

  7. I guess i don’t have to know the ‘right’ thing to say but just letting you know I read your beautiful post and my heart is aching for you and your little family. I am happy you got to visit him on his little birthday.
    Shannon

  8. Sorry we missed your visit, we’ll be there at the end of the month. How long are you there?

  9. I’m sure that going to Jack’s grave site again is a significant and poignant milestone for you. As always, I am so sorry for the loss and pain you are going through. As you mentioned, with each new experience crossed off the list, the loss will hopefully be less and less poignant. I think I can safely say that it will probably never an easy thing going to your son’s grave site. Just earlier this month I went to buy flowers and to the grave site with a mother whose son passed away a few years ago. I’m glad that you are sharing your feelings and have your blog for some feedback. I know for me, it’s been nice to know that others still care.

  10. I really like your choice in flowers. This blog really touched me, of course, all of your entries touch me. I love that little boy, he is so missed. Matt and I thought about him a ton while we were in the temple last weekend. I’m glad you have this chance to get some good time in at the grave. I can’t imagine what it would feel like for that to “sink in”.

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