Several times in the weeks before heading out to Vegas, I would ask Adam what I was going to do about meeting baby Conley. I was reminded of when I met baby Lyla (my brother’s daughter) while home for Jack’s funeral, and how it was too difficult to hold her or even be around her. Obviously, it was all too fresh at that time. I knew that I couldn’t be around Conley for a week and not hold him. I imagined that we would have to take it slow, and I prepared myself to feel embarrassed of the breakdown that I believed would inevitably occur.
Fortunately, I surprised myself. The second I met Conley, I wanted to hold him. I was not overcome at all by emotion, I was just happy to meet my little nephew and hold him and kiss him and love him. The entire week with him, I never felt jealousy or sorrow (in his behalf), it was almost as if I was just a normal person. Whew. Talk about relief. If only baby Lyla could have been there! 🙂
I am optimistic that overcoming this situation may help me with the other babies that I am around. There are several new babies either at church or amongst my friends that I have avoided (hardcore) as of recent. It has been difficult to associate with the women who I was pregnant with because for months and months we all shared such a special thing in expecting our babies, and now their journey has reached its happy ending (or beginning) and mine ended in sorrow. I hope that little Conley opened the door to some sort of healing in that regard.
Mothers of my angel Jack’s earthly peers…hold those babies a little closer, love them a little more, enjoy those late night feedings and those diaper explosions, relax amongst the messes and chaos. I probably don’t need to remind you that this is one mom who would trade almost anything to have what you have.
Is it the second coming…yet?? 🙂