Even though it has been almost three months since Jack passed away, I still find that there are little situations or experiences that make it feel “real” (meaning, a feeling of “oh yeah, it really DID happen”). Maybe it’s just because many days the focus isn’t on the fact that he died, but instead that he is not with us. Kind of hard to explain, but here’s an example:
Today Adam and I went to the market to find some flowers to take to Jack (we are currently in Las Vegas for Spring Break). While looking through the choices, it hit me pretty hard that we were buying flowers to place on our son’s grave (which was a first for us). Right there in Smith’s I broke down as the reality of something that I have been living with for months hit me…again. I wonder how long it takes for it to be done “hitting” me. Perhaps with each new experience crossed off the list, it will happen less and less.
Jack would have been four months old today. We have visited him several times since we have been here, but it was especially nice to be able to visit him on an anniversary date. His headstone looks great, and there is a sweet peace about his little area of the cemetery. There is a tree nearby with some little things hanging from the branches from other families for their children, and Adam and I are hoping to find something special to hang there for Jack.
I still think Megan doesn’t understand much about Jack. I wouldn’t be surprised if she imagined he was just still in the hospital and that we could go see him at any moment. I am hoping that her seeing the marker and reading his name might have instilled some kind of understanding in her, but we can’t be sure. One thing’s for certain, she would have been a great big sister to Jack and she loves him so much.
It has been almost three months since he passed and it’s still very difficult. Thanks to all for your continued love and support.
Next to her mother and father, this is probably Megan’s favorite person in the whole world:
This is Bradley. My sister’s son, my five year old nephew, but most importantly: Megan’s cousin. Their bond was formed the minute Megan was born. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. These two have always just loved each other.
Perhaps it’s just because of the close relationship I have with my sister. Or maybe it’s because we always stay at their house when we go to Vegas. Then again, it could be because Sarah posts videos of Bradley online that Megan LOVES to watch (she has his first primary talk memorized, and Bradley has also taught her several of the “Articles of Faith“.
But I think it’s something different altogether. Maybe something in their genes. These two are.so.alike. I will call Sarah and say something like: “guess what Megan did today?” And she’ll say something like “Bradley used to do that.” Or I’ll say “Megan doesn’t like this” or “Megan likes that” and she’ll say “Bradley is the same way.” They talk the same. They think the same. They act the same. But they DO NOT look the same. (So much for genetics! Ha!)
Bradley’s little sister, however, could be Megan’s twin. BUT Jamison and Megan are more different than night and day.
Anyway, this morning, when I told Megan that we were going to “Bradley’s house” today, you can only imagine her excitement. In fact, she put on Mommy’s shoes and ran to the front door. So this one’s for you Bradley. Can’t wait to see you!
I have added a link to the sidebar of this blog to my “Goodreads” account. After my recent post about my Wednesday nights at the library, I had a lot of people post comments here or e-mail me to ask what books I am reading. I hesitate to recommend books because I know that people’s book taste varies (widely), and I don’t pretend to assume that because I like a book; everyone will like that book. So anyway, I share my book choices for information purposes only.
Having said that, however, it’s been a while since I read a book that I didn’t enjoy. So, if you click on my “Goodreads” link, it will take you to my public bookshelf. There you can see some books that I have already read, what books I am currently reading, and what books I plan to read. Also, you can see my rating of the books (again, FYI only.)
My sister-in-law Kari introduced me to “Goodreads” about a year ago, and I really enjoy the site. It’s a great site for people who love to read and want to share books/get suggestions for books from others. Anyway, thanks to all for your comments. I love hearing that so many others love to read, too 🙂
Megan has dubbed these dolls: Daddy, Mommy, Megan, and Baby Jack; respectively.
She plays with these little people all throughout the day. They go for rides together in the school bus, or sometimes mommy and daddy ride in the purple car and Megan and Jack ride in the pink car; they also go down the slide (sometimes in their vehicles), they read books, sing songs, take naps…and…they have even joined us for church.
I love seeing little Megan’s imagination at work. I love that she continues to involve Jack in her daily life (every night, she still prays: “please bless Baby Jack to get better” even though we have explained that she doesn’t need to ask for that anymore…) I don’t think she could get any sweeter if she tried. Being her mom is: so.much.fun.
The past several weeks, Megan has been sick a lot. I’m pretty sure that it’s just going around and around here in Ames, because a lot of her peers are sick too; week after week. Megan’s symptoms have generally been a fever and a sore throat, with a rare runny nose and an even rarer cough, but the fevers really zap the energy out of her.
One day two weeks ago, when Megan was at her worst, we spent the ENTIRE day in my bed together. We watched videos and read books, even took a nap (which is so rare for Megan). Megan probably didn’t take two steps all day. She just felt too yucky. Is it bad that I really enjoyed every minute of it?? Of course I would never wish her to be sick and my heart ached for her, but… She cuddled with me all day. She let me rub her back and run my fingers through her hair. There was no struggle when I held her close; she just wanted to be near her mom every minute. She is usually such a busy and active toddler, and her being sick was actually a wonderful gift for me. Time seemed to stand still as we just relaxed the day away.
Of course as the days went on (and yes, even on the day mentioned above) I was anxious for her to feel better. Last week, I decided I was officially done with her being sick when at 5:00pm, she grabbed my blanket, (emphasis on the word “my” because she seems to refuse to accept that it is not hers) went into her room, crawled into bed, and went to sleep. Of her own doing. I went and sat by her bed and rubbed her back in a mild state of shock. I couldn’t believe that my two year old was so drained that she decided to call it a night: well before dinner and bedtime.
Well, she’s feeling much better now. She is back to her silly self and those moments of cuddling and calmness are few and far between…but somehow she still manages to make every second together enjoyable. I sure love that girl of mine!