See this little guy?
I miss him so much.
This photo is bittersweet for me. He looks so sick and so sad but he also looks aware and alive. I wasn’t there when this picture was taken. It was perhaps the only time when his eyes were open and he appeared to be “conscious”. His daddy took this picture when I was still awaiting release from the hospital. By the time I got to be with him, he was never really “conscious” again.
When my Megan was an infant, she was always in my arms. Yes obviously Adam held her too, but my arms always felt so empty without her and I was most eager to hang onto her. For the most part, if she wasn’t asleep at our home in her crib, then she was in my arms. She literally felt like such a physical part of me, that I felt incomplete without her.
Last night I had a dream that I was holding Jack. He was sick and alive and I knew that he was going to die, but I was holding him. Throughout his life that was something I wanted so badly. Just to hold him. I never got to, and I hurt because of it. I just know how much the memory of his warm body in my arms would have sustained me through difficult times. But unfortunately, that is something that I can’t even imagine.
Five months ago today little Jack was born, and it’s been less then four months since he passed away. I still cry: a lot. Adam and I miss him and we ache for him. I want to see and hold my little babe so badly. I physically feel incomplete without him.
Lucky for me, Miss Megan is the smallest little gal ever. Someone up there must have known that I would need to hold her in my arms for a LONG time.