See this little guy?


I miss him so much.

This photo is bittersweet for me. He looks so sick and so sad but he also looks aware and alive. I wasn’t there when this picture was taken. It was perhaps the only time when his eyes were open and he appeared to be “conscious”. His daddy took this picture when I was still awaiting release from the hospital. By the time I got to be with him, he was never really “conscious” again.

When my Megan was an infant, she was always in my arms. Yes obviously Adam held her too, but my arms always felt so empty without her and I was most eager to hang onto her. For the most part, if she wasn’t asleep at our home in her crib, then she was in my arms. She literally felt like such a physical part of me, that I felt incomplete without her.

Last night I had a dream that I was holding Jack. He was sick and alive and I knew that he was going to die, but I was holding him. Throughout his life that was something I wanted so badly. Just to hold him. I never got to, and I hurt because of it. I just know how much the memory of his warm body in my arms would have sustained me through difficult times. But unfortunately, that is something that I can’t even imagine.

Five months ago today little Jack was born, and it’s been less then four months since he passed away. I still cry: a lot. Adam and I miss him and we ache for him. I want to see and hold my little babe so badly. I physically feel incomplete without him.

Lucky for me, Miss Megan is the smallest little gal ever. Someone up there must have known that I would need to hold her in my arms for a LONG time.


13 responses »

  1. I think that’s a wonderful picture of Jack. It almost brought tears to my eyes seeing it, but then your post did bring tears to my eyes.

    Know you and your family are loved.

  2. Wow, I’m so glad you posted that picture. It is so sweet.
    I feel for you, and your longing to hold him. I can truly understand.

  3. I truly can NOT understand and feel for all those who CAN relate to this post. Know that you, Adam and Megan are loved and prayed for constantly in our home. We love you. We too look forward to the day when you can hold your little guy again.

  4. Little Jack has been on my mind all day today.
    My heart aches for you more than words can express.
    One day, your arms will hold your baby boy.
    I love you!

  5. He is such a kissable little man. I hope that he continues to visit your dreams until you really are able to hold onto him (and probably never let go.) You are always in our prayers, and Jack is forever on my mind.

  6. I really can’t read your blog without tears filling my eyes and my heart just aching for your little family. You are so strong and such an inspiration to all who have known you. I KNOW you will get to hold your little boy someday soon, but I know it seems like an eternity of waiting. Still in my prayers and my thought. Lots of Love, Annie

  7. What a beautiful son…we are always praying for you guys. I know I can’t understand even for a second, but your faith and strength in the midst of what I can only imagine is an immense amount of hurt and sorrow, is inspiring. You inspire me to be better.

  8. I read this post yesterday morning and thought and thought about what to write. I had to write though, because it touched me so. I, of course, was in tears, as I have been so many times since starting to read your blog in December. I have no way of really understanding how you feel because I never lost a child. I only know what a precious gift our children are to us. What a complete blessing for you to have Megan. And what a wonderful, perfect blessing to have an eternal family. I prayed for you and little angel boy Jack. Sweet dreams.

  9. Tears Again! He is such a handsome little guy! I can’t wait for you to hold him, it will be wonderful 🙂 xo

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