It Has Arrived

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Today is the last of the monthly countdowns until Jack’s birthday. One month from now he will have been one year old.

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I don’t know what next month will bring. I imagine that I will wake up on November 18th and will be able to recollect every moment of the day he was born. I also forsee reliving each of the following 40 days of his life up until his death at the end of December.

I have both positive and negative feelings about the timing of Jack’s birthday. When we found out our due date was Novemeber 27th, we knew that we would possibly celebrate birthdates on Thanksgiving. Instead, the one and only Thanksgiving we had with our son was in a hospital. Christmas was the same thing. In fact, it was on Christmas Eve that we were told that he would soon die. New years? His memorial service. To have had the chance to celebrate these holidays with our boy was a wonderful gift, but the incorportated sorrow has also changed the way we feel about these dates.

His birthdate on November 18th marks the beginning of the holiday season, and his death: the end. One year ago I was so eagerly anticipating the arrivial of the holidays, with all the food, family, gifts, and fun: not to forget the very special meanings of Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, I am not sure yet how I feel about the upcoming months. I forsee myself going through the motions of holiday cheer, and I especially see bold attempts at making the season magical for Megan, but I think that my heart will be with Jack this year.

Jack passed away on December 29th. After that date, all monthly anniversaries of his birth and death will probably become annual. Obviously, there will not be one minute of one day when I do not think about Jack and monthly I will have heart pangs on both the 18th and the 29th. And while I don’t know what to expect of the upcoming holiday season, I do know that I am looking forward to the New Year. I am expecting new strength and new hope and a new beginning: all the while carrying Jack in the largest chamber of my heart.

I guess it’s time to start thinking of ways to celebrate Jack’s birthday. I’m not entirely sure about how to go about doing it, but I do have some ideas. While there will probably be no “happy birthday” banners, there will be much celebration. The day that he was born was not “happy”, but one day: I will be with him again, and that is worth celebrating.

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11 responses »

  1. honestly, for the past year I’ve wondered what this holiday season would be like for you…. every day of the season now holds a different memory for you. i really did wake up thinking about you today — thinking that, a year ago, you were SO ready to not be pregnant anymore! You better believe we’ll be thinking of you from this moment until New Year’s, 2010 – at minimum
    we love you

  2. ….AND – I’m with you in celebrating Jack’s birth! Even though it was not a happy day – in the least – it IS a celebration that he was born. he did receive a body. he did join your family

  3. I just wanted to say what a lovely post and I’ll be thinking of your family as we go through this holiday season.

  4. I’ve been trying to think (for months!) of an appropriate approach to commemorate the birth of a very special, beautiful, well-loved baby boy. I’m open to suggestions if you have them.

  5. Oh Elizabeth, I feel for you. The holidays will always be different for you (along with everything else). I am sure there will be sweet times and sad times. I will be thinking about you, and your little boy.

  6. I love you guys, and am so sorry that you haven’t been able to hold your baby boy, and watch him walk or grow up. You will have that chance someday. I agree that you may want to do something to celebrate Jack. Let us know how we can support you as you celebrate your special star at this Holiday season. Maybe we can have a special conference call, and listen to you share. Maybe we can make special donations to Ronald McDonald House or another charity. Or special acts of service for those in need. I am open to help celebrate as appropriate.

    A Christmas in July celebration for a few years was really helpful to be able to openly talk about Todd and how we missed him. I know that the days before the first anniversary of Todd’s death were even a little harder than the anniversary itself. Anniversaries are poignant, but it will be ‘nothing’ compared to what you have already been through.

  7. You have such a great way of writing…most of it makes me cry, but in a good way 🙂 You will see your precious little boy again and it will be AMAZZZZZZZZING 🙂 Loves.

  8. Elizabeth, you are a thousand times the mom I’ll ever be. Your son is so lucky to belong to your family. You have such a strong testimony and I want you to know that we don’t go a day in this house without remembering Jack. Every time I pick up Topher I think about how amazing it will be when you get to scoop up your little boy and raise him and show him how lucky he is to have you and Adam as parents, and little Megan as a sister. We miss you guys. We love Jack and we hope you feel his spirit with you this holiday season.

    Love, Macie

  9. Banners and Balloons might not satisfy the ache this year.
    (or ever) But his LIFE, be it ever so short is still a celebration. Celebrating might come in a different way, Maybe a quiet trip to the temple or some time alone with
    just a box of tissues.
    I can guarantee that the pain will not get easier, your ability to handle the pain will get better but the sense of loss and empty arms will never go away..

    The only thing worse than losing him would be
    if you never had him.

    I love my Elizabeth!

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