This post is not about Jack.
Although the title is more than applicable to that little guy.
No, this post is about a more recent loss. Another loss of great magnitude.
For several months after Jack passed away, I couldn’t even allow myself to consider the possibility of having more children. After all, no child would replace Jack, and he was who I wanted. Also, there never was an answer to why Jack was born with such severe imperfections. Many doctors assured and reassured us that they didn’t think it was genetic, but even the tiniest possibility of it being so was too much for me.
But…I couldn’t ignore the pain of my aching arms. My heart yearned for another child and my family felt incomplete. Adam felt likewise, and we decided to allow ourselves to think about it. Then we decided to pray about it. We both felt like we got the “go ahead”, and even though we felt great peace in that answer, it took about all the faith, hope, and courage that we could muster to accept it, and do what we felt the Lord wanted us to do.
Well…on October 1st we found out that we were pregnant! We were SO happy! In the months beforehand, I thought that when I found out that I was expecting for the third time, I would be an emotional mess. I thought I would be terrified and afraid of what I had gotten myself into. But I wasn’t. At all. I was just: SO happy. I didn’t know what the end result would be, but the dream of a beautiful, healthy, perfect baby had me walking on air. That, and knowing that the Lord was on my side, of course. I had never been more excited to be pregnant in my life.
We told our new practitioners our story, and I was placed in the “high risk” category. Early and frequent ultrasounds were ordered, mostly to keep me calm and reassured. Our first ultrasound was scheduled for when I was ten weeks along. On November 9th, we got our first sneak peak at our peanut, but also discovered that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.
We were devastated.
It’s almost near impossible to describe what I have been through both physically and emotionally this past week, and this post would be far too long if I talked about all that I feel right now. One thing that I am feeling, however, is that this is a Test. Jack, well, Jack was Trust. I think my Heavenly Father was proving that he trusted me with one of his pure and special children and allowed me to be his mother for his brief time on this earth. But this, this sure feels like a test. And I don’t know what to do next. And I don’t know if I will pass this test.
My faith and my testimony have not wavered. I know that God has a plan for me…I just don’t know what it is. I don’t know if more children are in my future. I don’t know if all that I ever wanted…is right out of my reach. I don’t know if I have the strength to find out.
I do know, however, that I don’t want to spend so much time grieving over things I have lost if it means neglecting to recognize the great abundance I have been blessed with. My husband is incredible. He is everything that I could have asked for and so.much.more.
And my Megan. Oh my goodness I love her. And I love her now – because of my losses – more than ever before. What a precious gift she is. I know some mothers who have no children. Who ache to hold just one little one. Comparatively, I have SO much. And I realize it. And I am grateful.
It is my hope that those who know me will be especially gentle with me and especially patient with me as I strive to become the person I am supossed to be and as I learn whatever it is I am supossed to be learning. I know the Lord is mindful of me, and that He wants me to be happy. I can only hope that Eternal Happiness is relative to Earthly Sorrow because then I am set. Well…test score pending, of course.