Saying Goodbye Before You’ve Said Hello

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This post is not about Jack.

Although the title is more than applicable to that little guy.

No, this post is about a more recent loss. Another loss of great magnitude.

For several months after Jack passed away, I couldn’t even allow myself to consider the possibility of having more children. After all, no child would replace Jack, and he was who I wanted. Also, there never was an answer to why Jack was born with such severe imperfections. Many doctors assured and reassured us that they didn’t think it was genetic, but even the tiniest possibility of it being so was too much for me.

But…I couldn’t ignore the pain of my aching arms. My heart yearned for another child and my family felt incomplete. Adam felt likewise, and we decided to allow ourselves to think about it. Then we decided to pray about it. We both felt like we got the “go ahead”, and even though we felt great peace in that answer, it took about all the faith, hope, and courage that we could muster to accept it, and do what we felt the Lord wanted us to do.

Well…on October 1st we found out that we were pregnant! We were SO happy! In the months beforehand, I thought that when I found out that I was expecting for the third time, I would be an emotional mess. I thought I would be terrified and afraid of what I had gotten myself into. But I wasn’t. At all. I was just: SO happy. I didn’t know what the end result would be, but the dream of a beautiful, healthy, perfect baby had me walking on air. That, and knowing that the Lord was on my side, of course. I had never been more excited to be pregnant in my life.

We told our new practitioners our story, and I was placed in the “high risk” category. Early and frequent ultrasounds were ordered, mostly to keep me calm and reassured. Our first ultrasound was scheduled for when I was ten weeks along. On November 9th, we got our first sneak peak at our peanut, but also discovered that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

We were devastated.

It’s almost near impossible to describe what I have been through both physically and emotionally this past week, and this post would be far too long if I talked about all that I feel right now. One thing that I am feeling, however, is that this is a Test. Jack, well, Jack was Trust. I think my Heavenly Father was proving that he trusted me with one of his pure and special children and allowed me to be his mother for his brief time on this earth. But this, this sure feels like a test. And I don’t know what to do next. And I don’t know if I will pass this test.

My faith and my testimony have not wavered. I know that God has a plan for me…I just don’t know what it is. I don’t know if more children are in my future. I don’t know if all that I ever wanted…is right out of my reach. I don’t know if I have the strength to find out.

I do know, however, that I don’t want to spend so much time grieving over things I have lost if it means neglecting to recognize the great abundance I have been blessed with. My husband is incredible. He is everything that I could have asked for and so.much.more.

And my Megan. Oh my goodness I love her. And I love her now – because of my losses – more than ever before. What a precious gift she is. I know some mothers who have no children. Who ache to hold just one little one. Comparatively, I have SO much. And I realize it. And I am grateful.

It is my hope that those who know me will be especially gentle with me and especially patient with me as I strive to become the person I am supossed to be and as I learn whatever it is I am supossed to be learning. I know the Lord is mindful of me, and that He wants me to be happy. I can only hope that Eternal Happiness is relative to Earthly Sorrow because then I am set. Well…test score pending, of course.

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24 responses »

  1. Wow. This seems unthinkable after what you have already been through. Lots of love and prayers continually sent your way.

  2. I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you are going through, and I realize some of it is the same thing. I just wanted you to know how much you inspire me to think positively. I know I wouldn’t have near as much faith, or patience, or love if I had experienced the same. But seeing that you do, makes me want to try to be better.

  3. So sorry Lizzy. Sometimes things just aren’t fair. Our bodies betray us, our hopes and answers to prayers aren’t alwyas what we think. It’s so hard. I am so so sorry sweetie. Sending bit hugs.

  4. Keep fighting your funky, funky fight. You are one of the strongest women I know…. I have no doubt you will snatch up a big fat “A+” on this test. Love your guts…. 🙂 Always.

  5. I’m sorry to hear about your loss Elizabeth.

    You are an amazing woman, and I send my love and prayers to you, Adam and Megan.

  6. As soon as I started reading this post, I was afraid of what it was going to be about. I’m so sorry that my fear was right. You may doubt your grade on this test, but I’m sure all who know you have full confidence in your receiving an “Exceeds Expectations” grade. We love you and will keep you close to our thoughts and prayers!

  7. Elizabeth, this is so not fair, so unbelievable. I am so sorry for all this pain and anguish you have had to endure and keep enduring.
    I can only relate to the wondering; the wondering WHAT IS THE PLAN? What am I supposed to do now? HOW MUCH do I hope for or believe in.

    ” I don’t know if all that I ever wanted…is right out of my reach. I don’t know if I have the strength to find out.
    I do know, however, that I don’t want to spend so much time grieving over things I have lost if it means neglecting to recognize the great abundance I have been blessed with.”

    That quote is the exact place the Lord put me in, in different circumstances. It is one of the hardest things to KEEP trusting, to keep believing in miracles and that ‘everything will work out’. But I can testify to you, HE WILL COME THROUGH. He is a God of miracles and love. He knows you and why you have to travel this extraordinarily difficult road to have your family, we don’t understand, but He has a grand purpose. Jack has a little eternal playmate with him now; you’ll have a most wonderful reunion when you get to the other side of the veil.
    Your faith and strength and ability to count your blessings through this all will help you to the next stage. There are blessings ahead, I am sure of it. Have faith in that, no matter what the plan is, because of your faithfulness you will be blessed, you will be happy and have content. I remember just wanting to be content. You’re in my prayers. much love!

  8. Liz,

    I am so sorry 😦 I’ve said it before, so I’ll say it again…you are so strong! I think that if anyone can pass this “test”, it’s you! You are so amazing! Love Ya.

  9. We are so sorry to hear of your most recent loss. You and Adam have been a focus of our thoughts and prayers so often, but will be even more so now. You are both amazing, and while you may doubt yourself at times, the rest of us watching you know you will pass the test with flying colors! We love you.

  10. I’m so sorry Liz. But, don’t give up. I know you will have more children and you will love them just as much as the ones that have already been entrusted to you. Thank you so much for sharing these tests that you are experiencing. You guys are loved by so many and we are all here cheering you on.

  11. Liz,
    You are such an inspiration!!! I think about you often and am amazed at the wonderful woman that you have become. I will think about your little family even more this week and have a silent prayer in my heart for you always. Thanks for being so willing to share a glimpse of your story with the rest of us. Your testimony gives me strength to continue to have faith in the Lord’s plan for me. You have also taught me to truly appreciate my role as a mother and to cherish the wonderful spirits that have been entrusted to me.
    Love,
    Joanna

  12. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss! We are constantly thinking of you and praying for you, especially to receive peace. You and Adam are such special people, and I know the Lord is watching over you and with you at this time. D&C 68:6 is one of my favorites, and I feel like it’s especially applicable for you and your family. The Lord is ever mindful of you at all times.

  13. Elizabeth, I am so sorry to hear this! I think of you guys so often and you are constantly in my prayers! We miss you and wish we could be there for you!

  14. Thank you so much for your example. Tom and I have been struggling to start our family and reading your blog has kept me having faith and trust in Heavenly Father. You are all in our prayers.

  15. Elizabeth, I don’t know how you are coping with all of this, but obviously Heavenly Father has LOT of faith in you. And just like Job, you keep praising him no matter what struggles you face. You’re a saint. I mean that, and I’m so sorry for how much you have been hurting. I hope that your dream of having more children comes to fruition for you in this life. I bet there are thousands of little spirits fighting over who gets to come to you because you’re such and incredible woman and mother. Love and prayers.

  16. I’m not one to provide any type of spiritual guidance, but I hear that Patriarchal Blessings are a good source of providing a compass for life’s complicated map. If you were an after dinner treat, you would be a tough cookie. You provide a great example for others. The story of the man pushing against the rock comes to mind. Don’t stop pushing. You have an eternal purpose.

  17. I am so sorry Liz! I know we all have trials, but it seems this last year has been especially trying for your cute little family. You are in my prayers and I appreciate your open and honest posts; you are so strong and if I were to score you it would be an A for sure! Love ya girl!

  18. Your blog is so beautifully written. I am so touched everytime I read it. I am inspired by your words and always so sorry for you loss. God Bless!

  19. Liz & Adam-
    I just read your post and my heart breaks for you. I, too, lost a baby at about 10 weeks. The emptiness takes a long time to fade (like you need to be told that). Even though I have a baby to hold, I still think about the baby that I never held. My prayers are with you.

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