I have mentioned before that I will never forget the preparation I underwent for Jack’s c-section. To have labored to almost an eight, only to be told that we couldn’t wait even one second longer before he arrived, was heartbreaking and terrifying.
I was placed on a hard, cold, table and then my arms were stretched out wide and strapped down. I remember likening my position unto being hung on a cross. Then, in my mind, I thought: I am being sacrificed for my child. The tears flowed freely, but I was glad to do it.
I laid there, waiting and waiting and then waiting some more. I could see nothing, and I could feel nothing; and so I relied only my sense of sound. I was so intent on listening, that my head actually began to hurt. I never heard anything. Jack never made a sound.
To this day, the sound of Jack’s silence has persistently haunted me. It is not something that I can easily forget. It finds me in a lonely car, in the late night hours, and even in a crowded grocery aisle. It has been one year since that eventful yet quiet morning, and still the silence remains. I have spent much of this past year trying to tune out the silence. I have read books, listened to music, watched television, but nothing can fill the emptiness. I miss Jack’s cry. I will miss it my entire life.
We were fortunate enough to have the birth of Megan recorded. I have heard her first cry over and over and over again. I have it memorized. In her brand new cry, is the same little voice and personality that my Megan has today: almost three and a half years later.
I have recently (today) come to appreciate that the same could be said of Jack. He was quiet and peaceful at birth, and I have found that the times when I feel closest to Jack, are likewise: quiet and peaceful. I yearn often to feel my Jack: to feel his presence around me. But I have spent so much time trying to drown out his silence, that I have been missing many opportunities to not only feel his spirit, but also the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost.
Today Jack’s birthday present to me was the reminder that I need to spend more time in quiet and peaceful mediation. It is in those times when the Lord’s spirit can touch us and teach us. I hope that Jack will also take advantage of the quiet in my life and perhaps…come visit me…