Depressing Anniversary/Motivating Anniversary

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The last of the monthly “death anniversaries” is upon us.

I think the first monthly anniversary of Jack’s death was one of the hardest I experienced. We had only been thrown back into the swing of things for a few weeks, and we were trying our hardest to pick up the pieces of our life, and put them back together in some semblance of something “normal”. It wasn’t working out too well, and it was depressing. One thing that was also “weighing” me down was the fact that I was gaining weight. I gained over fifty pounds during my pregnancy with Jack, and I was relieved when about twenty-five of those pounds melted off immediately. After Jack passed on, however, I didn’t have much strength to fight the weight loss battle, and I was “losing”: big time. Emotionally and physically…I was a mess.

On the night of January 29th, I decided that I needed help. I went online and joined Weight Watchers without a second thought.

February arrived, and it too was difficult. But at the end of the month, I had lost ten pounds! The end of each month was met with Jack’s death anniversary, but so also the anniversary of my joining Weight Watchers. The program was a great success for me, and was a source of happiness and light. By the time Jack’s nine month death anniversary rolled around, I had lost forty-five pounds; and that’s not including the twenty-five I lost between his birth and death.

That’s a total of 70 POUNDS. In ten months.

I think that losing the weight really helped to hold me together at the end of each month. I couldn’t help but be proud and pleased with myself. I don’t know how I would have survived each death anniversary if I didn’t have some little success to go along with all the negative feelings and emotions I had to deal with. I often prayed for strength and guidance to help me stick to my diet and exercise plan. I know that my prayers were answered.

Maybe the reason why I struggled so hard with weight gain when I was pregnant with Jack was because Heavenly Father knew that I would need something to keep me going after he passed, literally. I threw myself into losing weight and exercising, and it has played a big part in the healing process.

If it was my choice, I would rather have Jack and be overweight, then be perfectly toned and fit without him. But it wasn’t my choice. Jack did teach me, however, how important our physical bodies are and how blessed we are to have strong and healthy bodies bestowed upon us. I wanted to show Jack that I learned that lesson and that I was grateful for my body. I think he would be proud of me.

Maybe he even went running with me sometimes and helped push me the last little bit.

I’d sure like to think so.

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4 responses »

  1. I’ve been thinking about you all day. I love this post and I’m sure Jack has been with you to push you and encourage you to keep going to achieve your goals. You are an amazing Mother and continue to inspire and encourage me. Love you…

  2. I know Jack is proud of you – for many many things… You look absolutely fantastic… and have inspired me to try a little harder when it comes to getting in shape. I had a dream the other night, I saw you walking down the street… I ran up to you, grabbed you, and hugged you as tight as I could. And even in my dream I noticed how fabulous you looked. I even told you so. You said thanks. Then you giggled your little chuckle giggle that I can still hear from all of those nights freshmen year at the Y driving around in your Brother in laws jeep. So funny. But I didn’t want to let you go in the dream. I wanted to hug you until you werent sad anymore. At all. Of course I know that is not possible, but dreams are cool that way. I still cant get over all of the things you have had to go through. I still pray that you will be comforted… both by the people close to you, who can hug you, and by the savior, and maybe even by Jack – when you’re running, or thinking of him, or any other time.

  3. You look awesome! I love that this is one (of many) of the good ways that Jack has inspired you (and of course many others). Jack’s life continues to touch me.

  4. I would like to believe that if one my little ones had to leave me and go be with Heavenly Father, that he would be visiting me everyday, pushing me, encouraging me, loving me. I think that isn’t very far fetched.

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