One year ago tonight I gave you one last kiss and bid you goodbye. The doctors rushed us into your room and told us that time was quickly running out, so I gave you a kiss and told you how grateful I was to be your mother. Then you were gone. My whole world changed in the blink of an eye, as your heart beat one last time.
I have missed you so much this past year as I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to put the puzzle of my life back together. You have added many pieces, and therefore some other pieces just had to go. Still others had to be reshaped and resized. The puzzle is still incomplete, and will probably remain that way for quite some time…but the image is not as abstract as it once was.
I am looking forward to this next year….for a fresh start…filled with new hope and new beginnings and a new me. Please don’t interpret for a second that this newness means that my broken heart has mended or that anyone or anything will ever take your place therein. I know that your memory will continue to bring tears to my eyes as I both miss you and think about you with fondness. I know that children “your” age will bring a twinge of pain to my heart, and since I only got to be with you while you were a baby, new babies will always fill me with a mixture of emotion.
But I am exhausted: physically and mentally, from the longing…the regrets, jealousy, the confusion…and the CONSTANT pain. I am hoping that this next year will bring with it some renewed strength and happiness.
You know the saying: “once in a ‘blue moon'”…which is a common way of saying “not very often”?? Well, a ‘blue moon’ (by definition) is the second full moon in one calendar month. Each month typically has one full moon, but every once in a while…(and not very often) a second full moon occurs within a calendar month. This year on New Year’s Eve we will have a “blue moon”.
It is my hope that my most recent visit to the valley of sorrow might be drawing to an end. And that I might be happy; if but for a short while…until my next ‘blue moon’ unavoidably dawns. I hope to be stronger then, when I must take another turn at the wheel of misfortune. I hope I have your strength in addition to my own.
I love you, Jack. So much. I wish I could have raised you in this lifetime. In fact, I would have been happy to have had a few more years with you, weeks, or even days. But I am grateful for the time I did have with you, and that I now have my very OWN guardian angel and support from the other side. I am optimistic about this next year, and anxious to see what the Lord has in store for me.
Come visit us,