you don’t need to remind me…

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Today, during sacrament meeting, Megan was sitting between Adam and me, quietly reading a book. All of a sudden, she stood up on the pew, plopped herself down on my lap, and continued reading.

Up until this point, I had been doing a really great job paying attention to the speakers. But with Megan so close that I could smell her strawberry-watermelon-2-in-1-shampoo-conditioner-combo; my mind began to wander.

I have felt sorry for myself a lot lately. I’m so sad that Jack died. I am so sad that I was so excited to find myself pregnant last October only to miscarry in November. I am so sad that I am not currently pregnant, and don’t know when or if I will bear anymore children.

However…

Even amidst my own private and personal little pity party (wow, how’s that for alliteration?) I have not been foolish enough to overlook the fact that I have a very healthy, very beautiful, very sweet, happy, pleasant, smart, and PRECIOUS child of my very own. I did, in fact, carry her in utero for nine months and she has, in fact, been a great joy to my every waking, breathing, walking, and sleeping moment.

While my heart still aches for my Jack, and while I still long to hold another beautiful and precious child of my very own…I can not justify pining away after what I do not have:

When I have so much.

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7 responses »

  1. I’m not sure what to say. I was thinking about saying “I’m sad your sad.” BUT, really it’s okay. Of course you can be sad that Jack died. Of course you can mourn your miscarriage. We had a good talk today on the gifts of the spirits being not only the good and happy emotions of peace, love and joy, but also longsuffering.

  2. I know the reasons why we each are not having children is different, but I can relate to your sadness and longing. Mine remind me of how blessed I am and I try to say focused on being a good mother for them.

    This is a wonderful post and very sweet.

  3. Liz I too know of that longing. At times it gets easier and then there are days (almost eight years later) when the 28th day hits and you are wondering why you don’t have 5 kids like your good friend Shelly does. The only thing I can think to say is to continue writing out your feelings. Time heals all but I’m not exactly to the time myself that it heals every moment of longing and I don’t ever think that moment will come when I don’t want another child. I think it’s a matter of perspective. As I’ve gotten older and Emma has gotten older that longing is partially muted because our perspective has changed. Don’t give up hope and remember to turn it all over to the Lord. Give him everything…the good, the bad and “the ugly”! Let him know when you are frustrated with him. Let him know when Megan does something that makes you so incredibly thankful for her. This is the sweetest time in your life but it is equally the most difficult. Don’t be afraid to let it be difficult and sweet at the same time. Hang in there sweet lady! This too shall pass.

  4. Liz, I know about Personal Pity Parties. I have had lots of them, though for different reasons. I appreciate your perspective. Having a lot is easy to forget when “a lot” is easier seen and quantified when there are lots of little people around.

    You are such a good example to me. Thanks for your support with our recent surprises.

    I have been told by a good source I may not ever have pregnancy glow (more like ghostly pekid horror), but I am definitely sporting a healthy adoption glow. 🙂

  5. Alyssa and I read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. In the book, the author compared women to waves. Sometimes they are high, and sometimes they are low. When women hit the low times, the rummage through all the old stuff they have pushed to the side during the high times. This is not the way men work.

    Learning that this is a normal and healthy part of a woman’s cycle has really helped Alyssa and I. We understand that no matter how good times are, a woman’s wave will always crash. Alyssa would often feel bad because times were good, and she felt like she shouldn’t feel sorry for herself. But the thing is that is part of human nature. Allow yourself to crash every once in awhile. The only problem would be if you always stayed there. That isn’t you.

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