Yes, Adam and I have both imagined what it might have been like to be welcoming a new baby into our family at this time. It would have been unbelievably wonderful. The fact that I am currently pregnant has done much to ease the pain of what “might have been”. I can’t imagine how difficult this day would have been if I weren’t expecting again.
I have never been a person to question whether or not Heavenly Father has a plan for me and for my family. I often wonder why I have to be continually reminded of this fact when I know with such certainty that it is true. From the very second Jack was born, I knew that what would be: would be. I never negated my role as an agent of my own life, I just knew that things would go the way God wanted them to go, and I needed to make choices that would prove myself worthy of His every blessing.
If I am truly honest with myself, and others, I will admit that having a baby come into our home at this time, while wonderful, would not have been the best thing for our family. I have mentioned before the wise counsel that my stake president offered Adam and I before we were married. He told us that bringing children in the world was not something to be taken lightly. He told us that a child has the right to be brought into a family that has a firm foundation. He told us that many things make up that foundation, things like finances, spirituality, emotional health, marital strength, and physical health (among other things). He also reminded us that it is our responsibility to bear children and that we needed to work hard to get that foundation in place. I remember knowing in my heart that what he said was true and that it was counsel that I would be wise to hearken. I now know that our foundation was not firm enough nine months ago when we discovered we were pregnant (after all, we were homeless and unemployed and still very much hurting emotionally from losing Jack).
I don’t pretend to know for sure that this is the reason why I miscarried. I know for a fact that there are people who have that firm foundation in place who lose babies or cannot have them and others who are far from solid ground who bring children into their family with no problem. For me, it’s just about Heavenly Father knowing what is best for ME, and I know, without a doubt, that it is best for me to welcome a new baby into our family in December instead of in June. And if, unfortunately, something is to happen to this baby, like it happened to Jack, then I know that too will be part of the plan. It will be awful and it will be devastating, but in the words of author Emily Watts:
“I am content that God be God. I will not try to instruct Him on His duties or on His obligations toward me or toward any of His children. I know He lives and loves us, that He is God. He’s not unmindful of us. We do not suffer out of His view. He does not inflict pain upon us, but He sustains us in our pain. I am His daughter; my [children are] also His [children]; we belong to Him, and we are safe with Him. I used to think that we were safe from grief and pain here because of our faith. I know now that is not true, but we are safe in His love. We are protected in the most ultimate sense of all – we have a safe home forever.”
I’m not suggesting that our foundation is as firm as it could be or as it will ever be, but each day Adam and I work to make things a little better and a little stronger. We might have forgotten the necessity of such strength nine months ago, but we are well aware of it now and are working hard to place our faith and will in God’s hands and doing our best to make choices that will earn us blessings not only in this life, but in the life to come.
So today, as I am reminded of what I have lost, I am also strongly reminded of what I have and I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that God loves me and is mindful of me. I am truly blessed and have much reason to be joyful.