Monthly Archives: August 2011

And She’s Off…


Today is Megan’s first day of Kindergarten!

For good measure, here is a photo of her when she started preschool last year at this time, and a photo from this morning.

A lot has changed over the past year. In these photos alone we acknowledge a newly painted fence, and a better quality camera, but the biggest change is the subject of the photo. My how she’s grown!

This morning we started off the day with Megan’s favorite breakfast, cinnamon rolls.

“Don’t worry Jane, I’ll be back before you even notice I’m gone.”

After breakfast, Adam gave Megan a back to school blessing. Megan seemed to grasp the weight of it, and sat very still with her arms folded and her eyes shut tight. It was a wonderful way to start of her school year.

And then we were off…

She was so excited!

“Come on, mother!” (*side note, she calls me “mother” now because of the movie “Tangled”. At least she doesn’t call me “Mother Gothel.”)

Daddy and Jane joined us for the first day as well.

Megan made herself right at home. Kindergarten and Megan are going to get along beautifully!

They encourage the parents to stick around for ten minutes each morning to read to their child.

Time to say goodbye…

Other days, I might hope the three hours go by slower, but today I am so anxious to pick her up and hear all about her first day. I am sure she will have a great time!

“Goodbye MOTHER!”

I’m loving this stage of life, and I love watching Megan grow into a sweet young lady, but tell me…

how did we go from here:

To here?

Not Irrelevant


Megan starts school on Wednesday. I am totally excited for her. She loves to learn. She is going to rock the socks off of Kindergarten. Just sayin’.

So now it’ll just be Jane and I in the mornings, which is kinda cool because I really like Jane.

It’s silly how so many little tiny experiences in my life make me needlessly heartbroken. Like Megan going off to Kindergarten. And it’s not even because she’s “growing up too fast” (which she is) or because I’m worried that she will struggle (which I am). But it’s yet another instance when I am reminded of what I have lost. It shouldn’t be just Jane and I at home now that Megan is off to school. It should be Jane and Jack at I at home. I try to imagine what it would be like to have an almost-three-year-old boy running the show for a few hours each day while his big sister is at school. I think it would be pretty awesome.

In a couple of months we will “celebrate” Jack’s third birthday. If you ever wonder if he’s constantly on my mind and if I miss him always… well, wonder no longer. His presence is missed in thousands of little commonplace moments. When Megan is off to school, he won’t be here playing with Legos and hot wheels and superheros. Be assured that some mornings when Megan is gone and Jane is napping, I will be going through his pictures and through my blog posts just so that I can remember what it was like when my son was alive. I will close my eyes and try to conjure up the smell of his hospital room, and the sound of the machines he was on.

Sometimes I think it’s important for people to realize that the hurt never ever goes away. It may seem like Megan starting Kindergarten shouldn’t be at all relevent to me losing Jack, but to me, it is. It’s just further proof that my life is forever affected by losing Jack and that my heart will never completely heal. I just wish he were here. That’s all.

I look forward to posting about Megan’s first day of Kindergarten. She is so excited. I am so excited for her. I sure love that girl.

And I do feel really fortunate to have this one on one time with Jane. I frequently worry about being able to give her the attention she needs when she has to share me with Miss Megan. Now she’s queen of the castle for at least a few hours each day. She and I are going to have an awesome time together.

When she’s not napping, that is.

New Year’s Resolution: FAIL


For years I have been saying that I want to grow my hair out. I think the longest it has been in the last ten years or so is about shoulder length. Every time it gets to my shoulders, I cut it off. I can’t stand the in between stage, and personally, I think I look better with short hair.

Every time I cut it though, I feel a little like a failure. I really want to grow it out for a change, and see how long I can get it.

This year, my New Year’s Resolution was to NOT cut my hair (besides regular trims). Well, I almost made it to September. Today I chopped it off. I don’t regret it. I probably won’t attempt to grow it out again. I like it better short. Sure, I will sometimes wish I could throw it in a pony-tail. And sure, I will also wish to be able to do some of those cute hairstyles that you can only do with long hair. But I think shorter hair suits me best. So there you have it. I failed to keep my New Year’s Resolution and I don’t even care.

Please note:

I was not planning on posting this blog tonight. I was going to wait until tomorrow to take pictures of my new-do, so I could put on a little make-up and some real clothes. Adam snapped these pictures tonight so I could privately email them to my sisters and my mom, but Jane is just so cute I just have to share. I am swallowing my pride and posting these pictures even though I am in my pajamas and make-up free. Just look at Jane’s face!! You’d do the same if it were you!

Sunday’s Sundae: Just For Me


I have been going through a hard time lately.

It seems like our little family is being hit with a lot of trials at this time. One right after another. Not the least of these, is some pretty severe pain I am experiencing in my back. I have been struggling for weeks now to be optimistic and strong in light of the things we are going through and the pain I am feeling, but lately I have been feeling particularly weak.

Last night I hit rock bottom. It was midnight, and both girls were WIDE awake. Jane was crying at the top of her lungs; Megan was singing at the top of hers. I was exhausted, in pain, and my bedroom was hot (never a good thing when you are grumpy). Adam’s alarm was set for just after five, since he was due to head out for church around 6:30am. Morning would also come early for me, since I had to get myself and both girls ready alone; normally not such a big task, but given my current constant state of pain, I was NOT looking forward to it.

I found myself getting so angry. The thought, “why have you forsaken me” ran through my head, and I felt incredibly alone. I have been praying for weeks (one month to be exact) that I might have some relief from this back pain, and hadn’t received much. For the first time in my life, I felt like my Heavenly Father didn’t care about me. I told Adam that I wouldn’t be going to church in the morning. I fought every urge to pray, thinking that I had said all I wanted to say over the last month, and I was done asking for help and relief.

The house grew quiet sometime after one in the morning. Megan had finally quieted down and gone to sleep, Jane was out cold in my arms, and Adam had dozed off in attempts to get a few hours of sleep. I was too worked up to fall asleep, but I was slowly calming down. I told myself that of course I would attend church in the morning; I have never just elected to stay home from church when it’s at all possible for me to go, and back pain withstanding, I could still go. And just as I decided that I would attend, the thought came to my mind (with much certainty) that the messages shared in Sacrament meeting would be exactly what I needed to hear.

This morning, I struggled to get the girls ready. Megan was especially ornery (what with staying up past 12 the night before) and at one point she got very upset with me. She broke down into tears and yelled at me, “don’t talk to me anymore!” over and over again. One time she even yelled “PROMISE YOU WON’T TALK TO ME ANYMORE!”

Just as I was about to challenge her, I completely froze. The pain of the way she was treating me hit me full force, and I realized that I had been treating my Father in Heaven likewise. Hadn’t I refused to talk to Him? Made myself so angry that He couldn’t reach me? Even as I gathered a crying Megan into my arms, she continued to tell me to leave her alone. It wasn’t until I refused to let her go and told her that I was sorry that she calmed down. At that moment, I learned firsthand how it felt to be rejected by someone who you loved so fiercely and that you would do anything for; if you could. Megan was upset because I wanted her to eat her breakfast, which is a daunting task for her. I have been upset for weeks because I am also feeling quite daunted by the constant pain I am experiencing. But as her mother, I know Megan needs to eat her breakfast. I know the necessity of a healthy meal and the importance of making sure she is well fed before attending three hours of church. She doesn’t quite understand this. Just as I don’t quite understand why I have to have this pain right now, or why during this time in my life I am experiencing several trials – one right after another. But He understands. And He knows what’s best for me. Certainly, He could take it all away. But perhaps then I would miss out on an important lesson, and I would be sent on my way without a healthy meal.

Enlightened, I made my way to church. I serve as the Primary Secretary in our ward, which means that for the last two hours of church, I am running around taking care of various primary responsibilities or helping the children with various needs. Sacrament meeting (which is the first hour of church) is the only time on Sunday when I feel like I get a chance to fill my “spiritual cup” for the week. I try my hardest to get the most I can out of that meeting. Adam, fully aware of how sitting for long periods of time wreaks havoc on my back, suggested today that I walk around outside of the chapel during sacrament meeting. I hadn’t told him that I had felt impressed last night that the talks today in sacrament would be meant for me, so I told him I would stick it out until Jane needed to go out. For the first time in months, Jane pleasantly sat through the entire hour plus of sacrament meeting.

The speaker’s messages were just for me. The first talked about recognizing blessings is our life, and the second spoke about trials and adversity. More than a few tears crept down my cheek during the meeting today.

And wouldn’t you know it, sitting for the entire meeting didn’t put me in the world of hurt that it normally did. In fact, my back hurt a lot less today then it has on Sundays past.

Sure, life is kinda tough right now, but I know that I am not alone and that my Heavenly Father has not forsaken me. Hey, it’s not like I haven’t been through worse! I really should be enduring these trials better if I think I am ever going to be worthy of my little Jack someday. And I am incredibly blessed. The good in my life FAR outweighs the bad. I needed to be reminded of that.

The second speaker today quoted the hymn “Be Still, My Soul”. I’m going to bring this hymn to mind often this week as I strive to be stronger and more faithful.