Not Irrelevant

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Megan starts school on Wednesday. I am totally excited for her. She loves to learn. She is going to rock the socks off of Kindergarten. Just sayin’.


So now it’ll just be Jane and I in the mornings, which is kinda cool because I really like Jane.

It’s silly how so many little tiny experiences in my life make me needlessly heartbroken. Like Megan going off to Kindergarten. And it’s not even because she’s “growing up too fast” (which she is) or because I’m worried that she will struggle (which I am). But it’s yet another instance when I am reminded of what I have lost. It shouldn’t be just Jane and I at home now that Megan is off to school. It should be Jane and Jack at I at home. I try to imagine what it would be like to have an almost-three-year-old boy running the show for a few hours each day while his big sister is at school. I think it would be pretty awesome.

In a couple of months we will “celebrate” Jack’s third birthday. If you ever wonder if he’s constantly on my mind and if I miss him always… well, wonder no longer. His presence is missed in thousands of little commonplace moments. When Megan is off to school, he won’t be here playing with Legos and hot wheels and superheros. Be assured that some mornings when Megan is gone and Jane is napping, I will be going through his pictures and through my blog posts just so that I can remember what it was like when my son was alive. I will close my eyes and try to conjure up the smell of his hospital room, and the sound of the machines he was on.

Sometimes I think it’s important for people to realize that the hurt never ever goes away. It may seem like Megan starting Kindergarten shouldn’t be at all relevent to me losing Jack, but to me, it is. It’s just further proof that my life is forever affected by losing Jack and that my heart will never completely heal. I just wish he were here. That’s all.

I look forward to posting about Megan’s first day of Kindergarten. She is so excited. I am so excited for her. I sure love that girl.

And I do feel really fortunate to have this one on one time with Jane. I frequently worry about being able to give her the attention she needs when she has to share me with Miss Megan. Now she’s queen of the castle for at least a few hours each day. She and I are going to have an awesome time together.

When she’s not napping, that is.

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4 responses »

  1. Megan WILL knock Kindergarten’s socks off and Jane WILL love all her one-on-one with mommy and Jack WILL always be missed but NEVER forgotten. I made sure in my last comment to use the word “each” and not “both” just so you knew I was thinking of Jack too. He would be so fun to read about just like the girls, and I know it must hurt to be missing him every day, but especially on the special ones. I hope you’ll be able to “feel” him from Heaven as you kiss Megan off for her 1st day, maybe he’ll tag along with her and see how she does- giving her the help she needs to not struggle so you won’t have to worry as much. love ya!

  2. Well, now we’re even because you just got my waterworks goin’. I often wonder about you and your constant longing for Jack. I know you do. I know you miss him and wonder, what if, and how would he fit in to that nursery class, etc. I bet he and my Quinton would be friends. I love how you are a rock when you need to be and how you let your emotions flow freely when you need to let them through. SO EXCITED for Megan… and for you to have one on one time with Jane. You’ll all love it… except I know you’d love it more with Jack there! 🙂

  3. I appreciate your honesty about your feelings regarding Jack. It helps me to understand a little bit of what my mother is experiencing, but at the same time I feel totally helpless knowing that I can never fix this for her. I appreciate your strength though and your constant effort to be positive. Thank you.

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