Today is Jack’s third birthday.
The grief came in waves throughout the day. My low point was when I was baking Jack’s birthday cake. I cried as I mixed blue food coloring into the cake batter; thinking how I wish I really was making a birthday cake for a three-year old boy. Instead I made little blue cupcakes, which no one (besides me) ended up eating.
The high point was Megan’s attitude throughout the day. She loved that it was her brother’s birthday and that we wrote him notes, attached them to balloons, and sent them Heavenward. She was so cheerful. Before we wrote our notes to Jack, she kept telling me different things she was going to say to him. “When will we see you again?” and “can you ask Jesus to do me a favor?” were two of my favorite possible messages. In the end she just told him “Happy Birthday” and asked him in how many more years would he be “322 years old.”
We went to a park in the early evening and released our Jack balloons.
I am so surprised that I got a good picture of Janie at the balloon release. She was cold AND hungry, and really wanted NOTHING to do with the festivities.
Really, she was just outwardly expressing how we were all inwardly feeling:
We sure miss Jack. It is so hard not having him here in so many ways. When Jack died, we didn’t know what was happening. He had been in the middle of surgery, and we were waiting outside his room. The doctors came to us and said, “he’s not tolerating the surgery very well” and we hurried in there. They didn’t say that he was dying until we got to his room and they told us to hurry and say our goodbyes. We rushed to his side and I was only able to say two things to my little boy before they said, “he’s gone”. Of course I told Jack that I loved him. The only other thing that I could think to say at that time was: “thank you for being my son.”
I am forever grateful that I am Jack’s mother. He has changed my life so much. I love him with all my heart and I so look forward to the day I will see him again.