Alec is now one month old. We wouldn’t typically have a one month appointment for him, but we found out that there was an issue with his PKU test and they asked us to come in immediately, which happened to be on the day he turned a month old. We were able to have him weighed, and he is right at about 10.5 pounds.
Alec continues to be a really great sleeper. He has been since day one. He wakes up at about 7 or 8 in the morning, sleeps off and on until about 12 and then takes a nice long 3-4 hour nap. Then he’s awake off and on until about 10 when he goes down for the night, waking only about 2 times to eat until 7 or 8 when it starts all over again. I am not sure how I got so lucky that his schedule is so perfect. He also does not fall asleep nursing like my girls. Once he is done eating, he is done. He stops nursing and if it is time to sleep, he will just cuddle up close to me and fall asleep. If it is time to be awake, he just stops eating and starts smiling. He never cries, and only fusses a little when he is hungry or tired. He really is a very easy baby. And they really don’t come any sweeter.
He freely smiles these days. Mostly at his mom. There is absolutely no one he loves more than his mama. He is just crazy about me. It is possible that my girls were like this, but Alec can hardly take his eyes off me. If he is in his swing or bouncer or his daddy’s arms, I often look at him to find he is staring right at me. He looks around, sure, but he always comes back to him mom. I just don’t remember my girls being like this, but I love it. He also gave me his first mid-nursing smile just yesterday. It was so sweet to see him looking at me while nursing and just give me a little grin. I am so glad I make him so happy.
Honestly, I continue to have varying feelings of sadness as it relates to Alec and Jack. Adam and I will be talking about something that we are looking forward to doing “now that we have a boy” and I just can’t describe it, but it makes me feel sad that we didn’t get to do those things with Jack. Really I think Jack is so happy to have Alec as a brother and is so happy we get to have him as our little boy. But I still can’t shake it.
Another thing…I am beginning to see more of Jack in Alec. It was hard to see the resemblance initially, because Jack only looked like a brand new baby for a brief moment, and then he looked much larger than he actually was. Now that Alec is getting bigger, he looks like Jack to me. As he begins to become a little person, I find myself thinking: so that’s how Jack might have looked when he smiled, yawned, sighed, cooed, etc.. It’s heavy to think that as Alec grows, I will find myself thinking of Jack. I will see Jack in Alec’s crawls and first steps and first words and first…everything. There is plenty of room for Alec in my heart. In fact, there is room for 10 more just like him, but Jack has occupied that little boy space in my heart for so long. With passing time, I have always thought about what it would have been like to have Jack here. How he would have welcomed Baby Jane. How he would have enjoyed Summers at Seven Peaks. How he would have loved his fourth birthday party. With his brother here, the one child who will be more like Jack than anyone else, I feel like I am going to catch so many glimpses of what it would have been like had Jack not died. And sure, it some ways it’s a very beautiful tender mercy. But right now, with the post pregnancy emotions surging, and the exhaustion, and the trying-to-figure-it-all-out…ness, it just kinda feels like a little addition to the heartache.
You know, they say the pain of losing a child never goes away. It always hurts and it is always sad. But no one could ever explain the extent of the hurt. And how so many little things add to it. Even wonderful and joyful and bless-ed things. I LOVE Alec. It pains me to imply that there is pain associated with his place in our family. That is simply not true. It’s all just part of wearing this Ugly Pair of Shoes thing.
Next Sunday Alec will be given a blessing and his name will be placed on the records of the church. Adam has been pondering and praying about what special blessings we would like our darling boy to enjoy in this lifetime. I am really looking forward to this sweet and sacred event. I am so grateful to have Alec in my family and in my arms. I love that little guy. Time is moving quickly and he is changing so fast. But there is no changing the fact that they just don’t come any sweeter.