Winter Time!!

I have passed thirty-seven weeks, so no matter if Janie comes tomorrow or at forty-one weeks…her arrival is officially imminent!!

What a wonderful time to bring a new baby into the world!! I can’t wait to spend this Christmas holiday with Baby Jane wrapped tightly in my arms. Her due date timing is just perfect with Adam getting several weeks off from school. I don’t think I have ever looked forward to Christmas more.

The signs of the season are officially upon us here in Provo. We have already received ample amounts of beautiful white snow. Megan and I love the snowy weather. Adam? Not so much. I empathize and understand his complaints, but there is no denying that snow makes Christmas and Winter all the more official.

Yesterday we put up our Christmas tree, and today I spent some time decorating it. We have never set up a full size tree before because we have never spent Christmas in our own home. As this was my first time setting up a try of my own, I have learned a few things: I am not good at “fluffing” the branches, and I am even worse at stringing the lights. Further, I struggle with artistically placing the ornaments. I guess I can only get better each year…but right now I am debating delegating further tree trimming to Adam! It was sure fun, however, to listen to Christmas music and set it up with Megan.

Since Jack died shortly after Christmas in 2008, so much of our holiday memories are tied to the brief time we spent with him. After his death, I decided that the only ornaments that we would put on our Christmas tree would be angels and stars; both of which have special meaning when it comes to our Jack. Our tree might not look very professionally decorated…but it sure has a lot of lovely symbolism and reminders of our little Jack.

one of the many star ornaments on our tree

Megan and Jane both have trees in their rooms and they can have whatever ornaments they want.

megan has a cute little purple tree in her room. we bought these ornaments last year...looks like i need to order another!!

an ornament on baby jane's tree...passed down from her mama...

Today I am going to work on getting my hospital bag ready. Yahoo!

A Birthday, a Wedding, and Two Baby Blessings – Oh.My.

Thursday, November 18th, Megan and I hopped in the car around noon and headed down to Las Vegas for a weekend filled with great festivities. Adam has had a really busy school schedule lately, but he was able to meet up with us the next day.

The 18th was Jack’s second birthday. How grateful I was to be able to visit his resting place in Las Vegas on that very day. I can’t believe that he arrived two years ago and changed our world completely. In the past, I have struggled with the phrase “Happy Birthday” when it came to little Jack. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how “happy” his birth really was. The day he arrived may have been scary and painful and miserable and heartbreaking, but he did arrive. He recieved an earthly body and he became a part of an eternal family. I am honored to have been the one who carried him and gave him life. I have not forgotten what it felt like to feel him move within me and the sweet spirit that always surrounded his mortal body. I am so grateful for my little boy. I love him so much and can’t wait to put my arms around him and kiss his sweet face.

The next day was spent setting up for my brother’s wedding reception. I am glad that I was able to go and help even for the short amount of time that I did. Megan also had a great time helping and running around with her cousins.

Saturday was the BIG day. My little brother Sam and his sweet bride Kaylee were married for time and all eternity in the Las Vegas LDS temple. The ceremony was wonderful. It was short but oh so sweet. Sam and Kaylee were just glowing and so happy. The time we spent in the temple that morning was my favorite part of the entire weekend.

After the wedding and all the pictures, we all headed over to the reception for the ring ceremony and the luncheon. Someone decided that the 20th of November was a great day for Las Vegas to dawn COLD and RAINY and a good amount of rain fell upon us during the ring ceremony and the entire luncheon had to be moved and revamped due to a downpour. It was quite the adventure. I will say though, that I was so IMPRESSED with Sam and Kaylee and their attitudes. Even though the rain kinda ruined the afternoon, they were both always found smiling and happy. I would have been a grumpy mess, but not Sam and Kaylee. They were just happy and taking everything in stride. I think they truly understood that the ceremony that took place in the temple was the most important part of the day and everything else was just fluff. I learned a good lesson from them that day and I am so grateful for their positive attitudes.

Fortunately, the rain ceased and the clouds parted and the evening was perfect for the reception. We danced, and laughed, and enjoyed some fun musical numbers from various family members. Kaylee had the time of her life and Sam stood by her while she enjoyed her dream celebration. The two stayed longer then planned and enjoyed time with family and friends who loved them and who were happy for them. There were lots of ups and LOTS of downs throughout the day (wedding photographer, anyone???) but I think it turned out to be a pretty awesome day.

Much to my dismay, Megan really wasn’t herself the entire wedding day. She spent almost every second in either my arms or with her daddy and wasn’t really into any of the celebrating. She did open up a little and let loose for the dancing, and when she talks about the wedding she says that was her favorite part. I was bummed that she had such a down day, but I think she still looks back on Uncle Sam and Aunt Kaylee’s wedding day with fondness.

Sunday morning my two newest little nephews were blessed by their daddies, my brothers. Tate and Trey were both given beautiful blessings by their dads, Tad and Tyson. It was fun to meet Tate and Trey this weekend. They are both SO cute, yet they look nothing alike!

We are now on a real countdown until my little Janie arrives. Only about three more weeks!!

I love my family and had such a fun time. We will miss them this Thanksgiving as we had to return to Utah, but I am so glad we were able to go down and be a part of such a wonderful weekend.

Congratulations again to Sam and Kaylee!! We are so happy for you.

Baby Dear

Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the everywhere into here.

I can’t even express how strange it has been to go from thinking I was having a boy to knowing I am having a girl. It is almost like this baby is a stranger to me. It really is like starting all over at the beginning with our little relationship. It feels as if I carried one baby for thirty-four weeks and then all of a sudden that baby was replaced with another baby. It might sound silly to some, but you can’t understand unless you have been here.

There are moments each day where it still hits me that I won’t be bringing home a little bundle of blue. Those moments are becoming shorter and less intense and bear less and less emotional weight. I have said from the beginning that I am not sad or disappointed that I am having a girl; it’s the letting go of the little boy that gets to me.

Minus the slow adieu we are paying to our baby boy, all the Johansons in this house are on a total baby girl high and we are all so stoked to welcome little Jane into our family next month. Megan seems especially pleased with this turn of events, and is ever so anxious to have a little sister. I was just recently telling Adam how sad it is to watch Megan grow up and leave her babyhood behind, and now we can hardly believe our luck that we get to bring another tiny little girl into our home.

I am not going to allow myself too much more time to dwell on the fact that I am not going to be raising a boy. It just wouldn’t be fair to Jane, and I really couldn’t be happier about her impending arrival. I would never want her to think that I wanted her any less than a boy or that she was somehow a disappointment. That’s just not true. I can’t imagine anything more wonderful than adding her to our family.

One year ago today I miscarried what would have been my third child. Look at me now! Only five more weeks!!!

needing to get ready…but this time for a different reason…

The way our house is designed, there is a little room right off the Master Bedroom with only a walk-way in between the two rooms and no door. I think the room was originally meant to be a little study – which is what we used it for when we first moved in, or maybe it was even meant to be a little nursery – which is what we are using it for now. The actual door in the Master Bedroom leads to the entry way/living room, while the door in the “nursery” leads to the kitchen and bathroom. I inevitably walk through the little room several times each day as I go from my room to the kitchen or bathroom.

Up until about eighteen hours ago, the room was totally ready to welcome a little baby boy tenant. It was heart wrenching to walk through the room, and even if I avoided walking through, the room was still clearly visible from the walkway in my own room. I decided that I needed to just get in there and get the boy stuff packed away and get it ready for our little girl. After all, she is due to arrive in less than six weeks, which would have probably flown by pretty fast regardless, but now with all the new preparations and “setting-in” that needs to be done…she seriously will be here before we know it.

I don’t have a large budget to work with when it comes to getting ready for this little lady. Before our twenty-week ultrasound, we were pretty set for either a boy baby or a girl baby. When we were told that we were expecting a boy, I gave all my baby girl stuff to my two sisters who were both expecting girls, and what they didn’t want/wasn’t-really-worth-keeping-anyhow, I donated to our stake’s clothing drive and D.I. Aside from the more special items that belonged to Megan, I literally kept NOTHING for a baby girl. It’s not that I was so certain that I wouldn’t have another girl someday, it’s just that I recognized that I would probably want new things when/if that time came, and also my sisters told me that they would have plenty to give to me when I needed it.

So when I set out to get her room done, I knew I could only get a couple of things and then tie it all together with what I already had to work with. I decided to move a little loveseat that we had down in Megan’s room up to the baby’s room and used that as well as a sage green bookcase that we already had in the baby’s room as my inspiration for the rest of the room:

After hitting just two stores, I was able to put everything together to create this:

The room is not large, so it is difficult to get a good picture, but you get the idea. To take the picture, I was standing in the doorway that leads to the kitchen and the walkway to our room is just to my left (just to give you an idea of the set-up).

Anyway, I know it’s not anything incredible or anything, but I am very pleased with the way it turned out. The only items that I purchased yesterday were the curtains, the crib bumper and the crib dust ruffle. We already had the crib, and changing table (which is actually more feminine than masculine anyway) and Megan still sleeps in a toddler bed, so I used one of her sheets for the crib mattress, and took the loveseat, pillows, and rug from her room. The ragtime blanket drapped over the crib was given to me from my mom when Megan was born, and it ties the pink and sage colors together just perfectly.

The room has lifted my spirits just the amount necessary, and walking through/peaking in makes me so happy and so excited for my little girl. I still can’t believe I am going to have another daughter in just about forty-days!!! Wow.

SURPRISE!!!

Well…

This morning we had an ultrasound. Mostly the purpose was the check the baby’s position and make sure he was still growing and developing properly. Adam and I are always anxious when it comes to ultrasounds, and today just happened to be the one year anniversary of the day we had an ultrasound and found out the baby didn’t have a heartbeat.

Today’s ultrasound went really well. Everything looked healthy and good, and the doctor saw no red flags. The baby was measuring right on target, and everything went smoothly. There was ONE “little” something that came as a bit of a surprise which the doctor brought to our attention right off the bat. Our baby boy was…in fact…a baby girl.

I was hit by the doctor’s revelation with a mixture of emotions. I was totally excited and happy, but it also felt a little bit like I was losing another boy. Or at least the dream of another boy. I have been so anxious to have a boy and to raise my own little son. We are prepared for a boy. We have been calling the baby “Samuel” for months and months. Every day I had been fantasizing about bringing home a son. At the doctor’s declaration, my dreams and fantasies of the future all came crashing down.

I am not at ALL disappointed that I am having another girl (by the way, the doctor – and Adam – were VERY sure that this baby is a girl. I think the doctor felt really bad that he was initially wrong, so he spent a lot of time showing us that it was, in fact, a girl.) I never knew how much I could love having a daughter until Megan came along and I can’t believe that I get to experience it all again: I am that lucky. But a part of me will grieve the boy who never was. There is an ache in my heart now where that boy once was, and it will not be an easy task to once again pack away the baby boy clothes, blankets, bedding, and toys. I am sure I will shed many tears over the next few weeks as once again I lose something that I didn’t even really have a chance to have.

BUT I love this baby girl more than I can describe. It really does not matter to me the gender of the baby as long as they are healthy. I am so excited to have another girl. I have spent the day conjuring and imagining a new set of dreams and fantasies, and the future looks wonderful. Only six more weeks until Baby Jane is scheduled to arrive.

And I: Can’t.Wait.