So one month of aching for our boy is down, and we have many, many, many more to go. As this month has passed, I am reminded of a quote from the movie, “Sleepless in Seattle”:
“I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out…and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.”
We certainly haven’t forgotten what life was like just a few short months ago. We probably will always remember what it felt like to just have little Megan and to be eagerly anticipating the arrival of our little boy and to feel like we had it “great and perfect” if but for a short while. That the world continues to spin and lives go on as usual still seems utterly ridiculous.
I’m trying to think of how I can end this post on a positive note, but I think it’s okay to acknowledge that we are still hurting and still sad and that we miss our little boy each and every minute of each and every day. Sure, we are doing “okay”. We can laugh, we can smile, we can find something to be happy about each day, and we can join in with the rest of the world in its inevitable spinning cycle. But I don’t think we are yet at the point were we don’t have to remind ourselves to “breathe in and out.” We sure miss Jack. We miss his smile, we miss his cries, we miss his laugh, we miss his sighs. We miss those and so many other things about him that we would be experiencing with him at this age. Each day that passes, however, brings us one day closer to him. It seems like so far away now, but I’m willing to bet that when the time comes all this pain will be forgotten by our joy. Then everything really will be great and perfect. For a long while.